Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Mental health, Uncategorized

Forever in my Heart…❤️

March 1st is the day my brother died and my grandmother died the next day March 2nd. One of the hardest times in my life. This year made 5 years they’ve been gone and the gut punch of it all still hurts like hell. Normally at this time my family and I do a balloon release from each of our locations. There would be balloons going up from New Roads, Texas, California, Atlanta, & Seattle just to name a few. But this year it was different no one said anything, there was no preparation on anyone’s part to make sure the release happened. I definitely didn’t and I was happy no one else did because I don’t know if they were all feeling like me but my main goal was to block these death anniversaries out of my thoughts. I had no interest in giving energy to a time that caused me so much grief, hurt, and pain.

I tend to still get mad; not mad at God but mad that they’re gone and I’ll never see or hear them in the physical again. Mad that they’re not here to share in happy occasions or help me through trials. Are they my angels? Sure they are and I know they are here with me all the time but I selfishly want that fleshly person back. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call them or see them. If I had one opportunity to call or see them again I often wonder what would I say. Would I just utilize that time to talk about me, would I tell them about things that’s happening with family members? Well, I really think I’d want to know how they were doing, what is it like in Heaven, I would ask about the joys of being with our Father God, I’d ask what its like to walk on streets of gold, I’d tell them how much I miss them and wish they were still here, and I’d also tell them how much my life has changed for the better, I’d tell them how getting closer to God has allowed me to be the person I never thought I could be, doing things I never thought I would do.

Please understand that we as a family have come a long way. I can honestly say that we all experienced grief in a major way due to these passings. Grieving is a part of the process of recovering from losing someone you love. My mom, a lady that always taught me to “never let them see you sweat” had weakened to a person I didn’t know. She lost her first born child/son. To this day my brothers death has changed her. On my moms side of the family we have a bunch of young adults that looked up to my brother. And they still seem to struggle with losing him. My dad lost a son and his mother in two days. My grandmother was 99 years old when she died she had 11 children all living and grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren. To have someone that’s been in our lives for all our lives was major to all of us, she was the glue that held it all together. Everyone piling up to her house on regular days and especially holidays just to be in her presence. Her being there still in her right mind, mobile, cooking Sunday meals and able to still give sound advice was a true blessing. We lost a lot.

Never let anyone tell you how to grieve but don’t allow your grief to make you so mad that you hurt others in the process. In life and death God is still Omnipresent. It’s how we handle the rough times that he’s able to get the glory.

A post I previously did on grief said: Honor the loved one who passed. If you are grieving the loss of a loved, think of good times and focus on a good memory that makes you smile. The grief will never go away, but fond memories of the person can help you feel better.

I started writing this blog crying and now my heart is filled with Joy!!! Thank you God you are Amazing!!!

This was my therapy….written 3/3/2020


Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Mental health

The back steps of progress…

In her own words…

One can wish to reach a certain goal, but on the journey of becoming a better person, one may tend to back track. When dealing with a “mentally ill” child, parents may not realize their own toxic habits. When faced with certain situations, they may revert to their old toxic habits and behaviors. This is understandable, but the parent may not realize the resentment that may manifest. Every parent should learn their child and as we grow our minds continue to develop, and the things we react and respond to change.

As a child/teenager, trying to understand your own mental health is quite a hard task. Bringing up all of the other stressors’ in one’s life may cause an episode. From my own personal experience, going into a mental institution changed me, and my mindset about a lot of things. While I was there I had time to think and ponder about my life and how I wanted it to be, and the type of people I wanted to surrounded myself with. Being in high school and trying to accomplish my new found goals is extremely hard. At times I feel that after an “episode” or something equivalent to one, I find myself at a point of in dept tranquility. While I stayed in the TAU center I was able to identify some of my issues that I was, and still currently dealing with. It all starts from my childhood.

At the age of 2 my father left. The last time I can recall seeing my father was when I was 5yrs old, shortly after my father was imprisoned. If anybody was to ask me about my father, my answers are always comical or outlandish; that’s my way of masking my pain from the world. Two years later at the age of 7 I experienced my first real depression. My grandmother passed away from cancer while I was on my way to the hospital to see her. In turn for many years I avoided my father’s side, not because I had anything against them, but because they reminded me of my grandmother, so I found no interest in being with them.

Fast forward 5 years later my great grandmother was sick in the hospital. She and I were extremely close, she was like my best friend, and no matter what she always had faith in me. Only God knows how much I needed that. Hell, I need that now. The last day of seeing her at the hospital I can still feel the odd feeling I felt. As I was leaving the room, I can remember one of my great aunts asking me if I wanted to kiss her one last time (at least while she was still alive.) After we left the hospital and made it back to New Roads we find out that my uncle had passed away. The man that taught me how to fish, taught me the importance of hot sauce on every food that I eat. He was gone. So sudden, so unexpectedly. Gone forever. The following day my great grandmother passed. I lost two of the most important people in my life in a span of 48hrs. After that day in my mind relationships with others seemed to just feel temporary, because at any moment the ones you love and care for the most can be ripped away from you in an instant. [While writing this emotions, and thoughts that I’ve never expressed are being let out, and to be quite honest, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing]

After their deaths I found myself broken and confused. I wasn’t even a teenager yet, how could God give me all of this pain at such a young age. If people only knew how many demons were in my head, how much pain I was feeling, but how do I dare disrespect my grandparents? My grandmother lost her first born child and remained strong in front of everyone so how dare I shed a tear. My grandfather lost his son and mother back to back, and still found the strength to preach at his own son’s funeral, so how do I breakdown?….. TO BE CONTINUED….

– Jaime

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Mental health

Grief & the Holidays…

The holidays usually represent a time of happiness and togetherness with family and friends.  For some, however the holidays are a reminder of a traumatic experience or loss.  Grieving a loved one is hard. Grief during the holiday season can be even harder. It’s a constant reminder of the pain and loss and can be unbearable. For me and i’m sure many others, this time of the year is the hardest part of grieving when we miss our loved ones even more than usual. I mean how can we celebrate togetherness when everyone is not there?! Holidays magnifies loss. If you are feeling loss, alone, sad, and have no motivation to participate in activities over the holidays, you are not alone. 

There are some things you can do to help cope with your grief and sadness. If you find yourself unable to pull yourself out of a depression, please seek the help of a professional counselor. They can help you find ways to deal with your grief and depression. 

1.       Take care of yourself- We often tend to focus on the needs of others and not ourselves. One of the best things we can do to deal with our grief is self-care. Go for a walk, read a book, take a relaxing bubble bath.  Taking care of yourself will help you better take care of others. 

2.       Recognize triggers – If certain family situations or events trigger your grief, it’s alright to distance yourself from them. Your mental well-being is what is most important.  Set boundaries and stick to them.  You will be better for it. 

3.       Learn its ok to say no – we often allow others to put expectations on us that are hard for us to do. If doing something for someone else causes you stress, learn to say no. 

4.       Honor the loved one who passed. If you are grieving the loss of a loved, think of good times and focus on a good memory that makes you smile. The grief will never go away, but fond memories of the person can help you feel better. 

Remembering Geroid

Do’s and Don’ts

  • Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.
  • Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.
  • Do allow time for the feelings.
  • Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don’t stop at 250.
  • Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives.
  • Don’t ask if you can help or should help a friend in grief. Just help. Find ways; invite them to group events or just out for coffee.
  • Do, in grief, pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers.

It isn’t as important how you remember, you honor them by the fact that you remember.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.