March 1st is the day my brother died and my grandmother died the next day March 2nd. One of the hardest times in my life. This year made 5 years they’ve been gone and the gut punch of it all still hurts like hell. Normally at this time my family and I do a balloon release from each of our locations. There would be balloons going up from New Roads, Texas, California, Atlanta, & Seattle just to name a few. But this year it was different no one said anything, there was no preparation on anyone’s part to make sure the release happened. I definitely didn’t and I was happy no one else did because I don’t know if they were all feeling like me but my main goal was to block these death anniversaries out of my thoughts. I had no interest in giving energy to a time that caused me so much grief, hurt, and pain.
I tend to still get mad; not mad at God but mad that they’re gone and I’ll never see or hear them in the physical again. Mad that they’re not here to share in happy occasions or help me through trials. Are they my angels? Sure they are and I know they are here with me all the time but I selfishly want that fleshly person back. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call them or see them. If I had one opportunity to call or see them again I often wonder what would I say. Would I just utilize that time to talk about me, would I tell them about things that’s happening with family members? Well, I really think I’d want to know how they were doing, what is it like in Heaven, I would ask about the joys of being with our Father God, I’d ask what its like to walk on streets of gold, I’d tell them how much I miss them and wish they were still here, and I’d also tell them how much my life has changed for the better, I’d tell them how getting closer to God has allowed me to be the person I never thought I could be, doing things I never thought I would do.
Please understand that we as a family have come a long way. I can honestly say that we all experienced grief in a major way due to these passings. Grieving is a part of the process of recovering from losing someone you love. My mom, a lady that always taught me to “never let them see you sweat” had weakened to a person I didn’t know. She lost her first born child/son. To this day my brothers death has changed her. On my moms side of the family we have a bunch of young adults that looked up to my brother. And they still seem to struggle with losing him. My dad lost a son and his mother in two days. My grandmother was 99 years old when she died she had 11 children all living and grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren. To have someone that’s been in our lives for all our lives was major to all of us, she was the glue that held it all together. Everyone piling up to her house on regular days and especially holidays just to be in her presence. Her being there still in her right mind, mobile, cooking Sunday meals and able to still give sound advice was a true blessing. We lost a lot.
Never let anyone tell you how to grieve but don’t allow your grief to make you so mad that you hurt others in the process. In life and death God is still Omnipresent. It’s how we handle the rough times that he’s able to get the glory.
A post I previously did on grief said: Honor the loved one who passed. If you are grieving the loss of a loved, think of good times and focus on a good memory that makes you smile. The grief will never go away, but fond memories of the person can help you feel better.
I started writing this blog crying and now my heart is filled with Joy!!! Thank you God you are Amazing!!!
This was my therapy….written 3/3/2020
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