One can wish to reach a certain goal, but on the journey of becoming a better person, one may tend to back track. When dealing with a “mentally ill” child, parents may not realize their own toxic habits. When faced with certain situations, they may revert to their old toxic habits and behaviors. This is understandable, but the parent may not realize the resentment that may manifest. Every parent should learn their child and as we grow our minds continue to develop, and the things we react and respond to change.
As a child/teenager, trying to understand your own mental health is quite a hard task. Bringing up all of the other stressors’ in one’s life may cause an episode. From my own personal experience, going into a mental institution changed me, and my mindset about a lot of things. While I was there I had time to think and ponder about my life and how I wanted it to be, and the type of people I wanted to surrounded myself with. Being in high school and trying to accomplish my new found goals is extremely hard. At times I feel that after an “episode” or something equivalent to one, I find myself at a point of in dept tranquility. While I stayed in the TAU center I was able to identify some of my issues that I was, and still currently dealing with. It all starts from my childhood.
At the age of 2 my father left. The last time I can recall seeing my father was when I was 5yrs old, shortly after my father was imprisoned. If anybody was to ask me about my father, my answers are always comical or outlandish; that’s my way of masking my pain from the world. Two years later at the age of 7 I experienced my first real depression. My grandmother passed away from cancer while I was on my way to the hospital to see her. In turn for many years I avoided my father’s side, not because I had anything against them, but because they reminded me of my grandmother, so I found no interest in being with them.
Fast forward 5 years later my great grandmother was sick in the hospital. She and I were extremely close, she was like my best friend, and no matter what she always had faith in me. Only God knows how much I needed that. Hell, I need that now. The last day of seeing her at the hospital I can still feel the odd feeling I felt. As I was leaving the room, I can remember one of my great aunts asking me if I wanted to kiss her one last time (at least while she was still alive.) After we left the hospital and made it back to New Roads we find out that my uncle had passed away. The man that taught me how to fish, taught me the importance of hot sauce on every food that I eat. He was gone. So sudden, so unexpectedly. Gone forever. The following day my great grandmother passed. I lost two of the most important people in my life in a span of 48hrs. After that day in my mind relationships with others seemed to just feel temporary, because at any moment the ones you love and care for the most can be ripped away from you in an instant. [While writing this emotions, and thoughts that I’ve never expressed are being let out, and to be quite honest, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing]
After their deaths I found myself broken and confused. I wasn’t even a teenager yet, how could God give me all of this pain at such a young age. If people only knew how many demons were in my head, how much pain I was feeling, but how do I dare disrespect my grandparents? My grandmother lost her first born child and remained strong in front of everyone so how dare I shed a tear. My grandfather lost his son and mother back to back, and still found the strength to preach at his own son’s funeral, so how do I breakdown?….. TO BE CONTINUED….